Endings

BalloonI’m a bit late with this week’s post. Some weeks, I have to admit, I struggle to decide what to write about. I want to try and avoid repeating myself too much, although I probably do sometimes.

One obvious thing to report on is the fact that Blast Theory’s Kickstarter campaign finished on Wednesday evening, 117% funded. 539 people backed the project and we raised £17,559 in total. It’s a great relief, of course, that the campaign was successful. ‘Failure is not an option’ is something you might hear someone proclaim hubristically on the Apprentice (before, inevitably, crashing and burning), but in this instance it was really true: I can’t quite imagine the disappointment and anti-climax if we hadn’t made our target. I’m really pleased for them that the campaign was such a success, they really deserve it.

Now that we’ve drained the last of our celebratory prosecco, I’m very aware that the end is in sight for my time at Blast Theory. A week today will be my last day in Portslade. I’ll really miss them! It’s hard not to feel a little melancholic at the moment, with the weather properly turned and the heating finally on, and with the end of my career break now undeniably close.

Maybe I am ready to feel settled somewhere again, after flitting between different things over the past few months. I always knew there was something in me that embraces routine and familiarity, and my reluctance to leave Blast Theory underlines that. At the same time, I must at all cost avoid falling into the same trap that I fell into before, i.e. sticking around somewhere because it’s all you know and you can’t think of anything else to do. I owe that much to myself after this year.

There is no denying the fact that I hate job hunting, though – I always have done, and that was probably a contributing factor in staying in my old job for so long. I hate the whole process – spending hours looking for the right vacancy, working out how to sell yourself, sweating over the application, the disappointment of not hearing back, the stress of job interviews. For me, the whole thing is laced with self-doubt and existential agony. If there was a way to avoid it, I definitely would. But sadly, there isn’t so I will just have to grit my teeth and throw myself into it. I’ve decided not to look for any more unpaid positions after Blast Theory and just make finding a job my full-time occupation.

And I have to try and force myself to see the positives, and to build on the confidence I have gained this year and translate that into a killer application, as well as a more phlegmatic attitude if said killer application subsequently ends up in the reject pile. I’m sometimes a little guilty of feeling disheartened even before I start, which is obviously a recipe for disaster. Maybe I need to take some lessons from the Apprentice, and practice looking in the mirror with my best arrogant smirk and declaring that failure is not an option.

 

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5 thoughts on “Endings

  1. Good luck. After taking a career break myself, this is the first time in my life I have ever needed to properly job hunt (typically was offered positions via networking), and, pardon my french, but it is a b1tch. That said, I wasn’t sure what I wanted to be doing, so there was a lot of trial and error in terms of what I was applying for. As the idea of my ideal job became clearer in my mind, everything has kind of fallen into place. So I guess my advice to you is: know what you are looking for. It gets alot easier after that. Oh, and don’t take your emotions too seriously. They’ll come and go regardless of what you do.

    • Thanks Kaiti – I think I am getting closer to that, which as you say really helps to be more focused and eliminate at least some of the trial and error. And yes very good point about emotions, I’ll just have to deal with those! Really glad things have fallen into place for you 🙂

  2. So great to see the whole experience you’ve had coming full circle. I think writing about what you’ve learned and how to apply it is definitely a worthwhile, interesting subject and can only serve to clarify things in your mind. I’m slightly envious, since as you know I did go back to the comfortable waiting-for-me job, so I look forward to hearing all about your targeted job searching and what comes of it 🙂

    • Like the new Gravatar pic Silver! Thank you – I’ll definitely keep everyone posted. Going to keep writing, thinking and evaluating and hopefully things will fall into place… I hope you also manage to settle back into the ‘comfortable waiting-for-you job’ and make the most out of the positive aspects of it 🙂

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