I’ve been having one of those weeks where I’ve written half a post, deleted it again, written something else, not looked at it for a while, deleted it, wanted to make time to do a drawing, felt uninspired, watched MasterChef instead. I’m now very conscious of the fact that it’s been nearly two weeks since the last post, which I am not happy about – but sometimes that’s how it goes. I’m still not feeling hugely inspired, to the point where I didn’t know what to draw and typed ‘uncertainty’ into Google Image and in among all the signposts and Clip Art figures scratching their heads, found something like this.
Since my last post, Oliver and I have been to Paris for a couple of lovely art- and food-filled days. I also did my nearly-but-not-quite last days with Blast Theory. I have been spreading my actual last days out over this week and next, doing one day yesterday and then Wednesday and Thursday next week. It does feel like a stay of execution, because I DON’T WANT TO LEAVE THEM. I feel slightly like a small child stamping my foot when I say that. It was really lovely to hear that they had seriously discussed how they could keep me – that’s a VERY big compliment – but as a small arts organisation, they aren’t really in a position to just make up an extra job.
So at the moment, like my Google Image search, I am negotiating all the signposts pointing in various directions, scratching my head, and walking a tightrope in the sky that turns into a question mark. Or maybe I’ve just been taking too many drugs.
I’m not a big fan of uncertainty. I always knew that, and had to conquer it when I decided to give up my comfortable well-paid job. I also always knew that there would inevitably come a point when I would have to turn my career break experience into an actual real job, and that that would be scary and difficult. Well, I am now at that point, and it is scary and difficult.
What maybe hasn’t helped, and what I’ve probably been hiding behind slightly, is that several half-possibilities have been emerging over the past few weeks – other artists and organisations considering running Kickstarter campaigns, bits of freelance work, that kind of thing. Also, an artist who rents a studio in the Blast Theory building has asked me to produce a short film for her. If she can raise the required funding, filming will happen in early April. In the mean time, and while I am job hunting, I’ve agreed to help her with the project. I hope I can somehow figure out a way to see it through, as I’m really keen to learn about production – but naturally, it’s not a full-time job and I unless I get a lot of freelance work between now and April, I probably just need to bite the bullet and focus on getting a ‘real’ job.
Before you get your violins out, though, and before I give in too much to this it’s-grey-outside-and-I’m-getting-a-cold-and-I’m-unemployed-and-I-want-to-pull-a-blanket-over-my-head vibe, which is not particularly helpful to anyone, I have to remind myself that I still haven’t regretted giving up my old job for a single second; that there are so many positives I can take from this year; that it’s really transformed me in so many ways. It was never always going to be easy. So right now I’m going to go out and get some fresh air, and then I’m going to stop moaning and get on with my job hunt.