Question markI’ve been having one of those weeks where I’ve written half a post, deleted it again, written something else, not looked at it for a while, deleted it, wanted to make time to do a drawing, felt uninspired, watched MasterChef instead. I’m now very conscious of the fact that it’s been nearly two weeks since the last post, which I am not happy about – but sometimes that’s how it goes. I’m still not feeling hugely inspired, to the point where I didn’t know what to draw and typed ‘uncertainty’ into Google Image and in among all the signposts and Clip Art figures scratching their heads, found something like this.

Since my last post, Oliver and I have been to Paris for a couple of lovely art- and food-filled days. I also did my nearly-but-not-quite last days with Blast Theory. I have been spreading my actual last days out over this week and next, doing one day yesterday and then Wednesday and Thursday next week. It does feel like a stay of execution, because I DON’T WANT TO LEAVE THEM. I feel slightly like a small child stamping my foot when I say that. It was really lovely to hear that they had seriously discussed how they could keep me – that’s a VERY big compliment – but as a small arts organisation, they aren’t really in a position to just make up an extra job.

So at the moment, like my Google Image search, I am negotiating all the signposts pointing in various directions, scratching my head, and walking a tightrope in the sky that turns into a question mark. Or maybe I’ve just been taking too many drugs.

I’m not a big fan of uncertainty. I always knew that, and had to conquer it when I decided to give up my comfortable well-paid job. I also always knew that there would inevitably come a point when I would have to turn my career break experience into an actual real job, and that that would be scary and difficult. Well, I am now at that point, and it is scary and difficult.

What maybe hasn’t helped, and what I’ve probably been hiding behind slightly, is that several half-possibilities have been emerging over the past few weeks – other artists and organisations considering running Kickstarter campaigns, bits of freelance work, that kind of thing. Also, an artist who rents a studio in the Blast Theory building has asked me to produce a short film for her. If she can raise the required funding, filming will happen in early April. In the mean time, and while I am job hunting, I’ve agreed to help her with the project. I hope I can somehow figure out a way to see it through, as I’m really keen to learn about production – but naturally, it’s not a full-time job and I unless I get a lot of freelance work between now and April, I probably just need to bite the bullet and focus on getting a ‘real’ job.

Before you get your violins out, though, and before I give in too much to this it’s-grey-outside-and-I’m-getting-a-cold-and-I’m-unemployed-and-I-want-to-pull-a-blanket-over-my-head vibe, which is not particularly helpful to anyone, I have to remind myself that I still haven’t regretted giving up my old job for a single second; that there are so many positives I can take from this year; that it’s really transformed me in so many ways. It was never always going to be easy. So right now I’m going to go out and get some fresh air, and then I’m going to stop moaning and get on with my job hunt.


6 thoughts on “Uncertainty

  1. OH, I love your tightrope question-mark drawing!!! I’d pay to have that to hang on my wall. How can I get a copy? Is it for sale? ♥ That’s such a perfect visual for my entire life. I’ve found that as I have the courage to take a step forward toward that unknown, my rope will extend a little father to accommodate one more step, and then I step, and it extends a little father, and so it goes.
    I’m certain things will work out for you just the way they are supposed to. I suspect it will feel like an act of faith every day as you step forward. But, everything will work out. Things rarely ever turn out the way we imagine – but, they have a way of working out in the way that we learn the most from.

    • Aw, thank you so much! I can’t really take credit for the idea as I found a similar image via Google, and I’m not very happy with my version of it if I’m totally honest – but I’m glad you like it! I did like the visual too – I think a lot of people probably see their lives that way. After all, as you say, none of us ever know what’s round the corner, even if it seems like everything is sorted and planned out. That’s kind of the fun of it though. Thanks for your kind words and encouragement, it means a lot 🙂

  2. I think you’re doing great. I think the most uncomfortable moments like these are what lead to important break-throughs, as long as you don’t blink and cave and take the comfortable, easy way out. So, stay strong and keep keeping your mind and eyes open. I think you will end up with something amazing – an inspiration to us all 🙂

  3. I read your post a while ago and kept thinking about commenting and forgot.

    I completely get your post since I am exactly where you are. I just completed the 1 year anniversary of my break on Saturday and I’ve been trying my best to embrace this uncertainty that’s a part of my life now.

    I did an art journaling eCourse based on this book called the ‘Gifts of Imperfection’ and one of the very interesting assignments was to recognize the things that drive you to numb out emotion and I immediately identified uncertainty as one of my top ‘go to pantry and binge on the bag of cookies’ triggers. These days I am getting better at being ok with it. I’m reading this book called the ‘Places that scare you’ and the author encourages being compassionate with yourself when you’re uncomfortable preferably recognizing that you’re not the only one going through this experience. I hope you’ll take comfort in knowing that you’re not alone in your uncertainty! And like you said .. I’m also glad I chose this uncertainty over staying in a situation where I kept thinking about a break as this ‘pie in the sky’ idea.

  4. How nice to hear from you Nisha. And I do take comfort from that, thank you. Particularly your last sentence – I’m sure you would have regretted it if you hadn’t taken your break and experienced all those great adventures. I still feel like that without a doubt, even when things are a bit precarious and up in the air. It also helps me sometimes to put things in perspective and realise that actually, things are not that bad and still I’m a long way from the gutter. Thanks for your comment, and also best of luck embracing that uncertainty and somehow making it a positive part of your life (keep us posted!) 🙂

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